As a woman I sometimes feel a bit unfortunate. Hormones come into play every month and my emotions whiz about. Nothing remains the same colour. A simple object takes on many different lights and shades and I analyse and see many perspectives - negative and positive. You could call this a gift -so many ways of seeing - but it sometimes makes you feel rather helpless - a slave to the chemical levels in your body and also all those external factors to boot.
I'm sure not all women are like this, but the more I speak to my other woman friends, the more I see it. Likewise I am sure there are men out there who experience similar things. With one friend we talked about having a 'normal' switch which flicks back on occasionally and the world seems to right itself after so much ensuing emotional chaos.
Some days the world is painted darkly. It doesn't matter how much logic I apply to try and change the colour or however much I throw myself into activities to try and distract myself, darkness remains like an broody cloudy sky. I am the ship that I once wrote about here. You just have to wait for the storm to shift in its own time before you can pull into a safe haven.
And some days there are moments of sunshine and pure joy which you want to wear like a coat and pull in tight around your armpits and cling on to so it doesn't slip away... but you know that it always will.
This morning I woke up and felt these little wisps of joy.
It isn't just chemical - it is circumstantial too. It is Saturday, it is forecast to rain today. I have no place I need to be except my bed with a cup of creamy tea (soya milk in tea is a dream). Later we'll go bowling. I love bowling. Originally we were meant to be going to Badalona but the forecast called for a change of plans.
But I woke up this morning with a strong feeling....
The night before had been a little complicated. There was some drinking and a long chat which stretched into the early hours. I cannot share the stories here as it is not my place but some of the stories were very sad and painful. These stories put some of the things in my life into perspective. And I had done an impulsive thing earlier, sent a text which I was semi regretting...but the response from it, which came as I went to bed later was gentle and made me smile.
Two things I took away from this night which came to me when I woke up, compelling me to come here and write immediately:
There is a lot of pain in this life. Life is not easy, it doesn't always work out how you'd like it to and yes, you will struggle. But, you think you have it bad? There will always be someone who's had it worse. Knowing this can be quite sobering.
The way to cut through all the pain? Love and understanding. Yeah, it sounds corny perhaps but it is true. Be as accepting and as positive and as well meaning as you can to yourself and to others. Try not to force things that cannot be forced. Have patience. See the world the way it is and still love. Don't let your sufferings allow you to become indifferent, cold and bitter. Don't shroud yourself in your past pain -don't wear it like a coat. Accept that many things are out of your control and that perhaps the things you want desperately are simply not right for you because there is something you cannot see, something you still need to learn.
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” Kahlil Gibran
Live in the now as much as possible and give as much love as you can possibly give. That is all.
I feel quite light with these thoughts - they paint bright colours. They offer me a eureka moment...but they will fade and other thoughts will replace them soon enough. Chemicals will swill and splash. I've tired to capture them on this page...not as eloquently as I had hoped or as organised, but I tried. I hope I can return to them and remember them regularly. Try not to forget as the colours keep spinning...