In a bit of a grumpy mood because I just found out a so-called 'close' friend (known each other for almost 15 years), who is getting married in June, only plans to invite me to the evening part of his wedding. To say I am a little bit gutted is an understatement -it was my wedding of the year and I was tres excited (even cancelling two other activities) but one can only express this opinion so far in such situations before it gets beyond awkward and I know he has a lot of relatives. Still, he could have forewarned me and it makes you re-evaluate things. Is it horribly mean of me to imagine scenarios of The Mist - me pushing him out of the supermarket and leaving him to the hands of all the monsters out there and mouthing to him through the window whilst he bangs to be let back in: 'Two words: Evening Invite!' Is it mean? Probably so ...but it is okay as it is imaginary and I would never actually do it. Imagination is good in that way...small temporary comforts.
But anyway, in my sour mood, it got me thinking about friendships and social networking. I've been thinking about facebook for a while. I was a big fan. You could go as far as saying I am addicted to the thing... I love being social me and I love having lots of friends and staying in touch... I think it is great for catching up with old friends and making connections and keeping things alive. I have a great curiosity and enjoy seeing how people are doing but I'm starting to question it and look at it in a different light. I'm starting to wonder about the shallowness of it all.
I have about 425 friends on facebook but how many of those are real friends? Friends who would invite you to their wedding (the day part!) say (whilst we're on this topic) - probably not that many if I am honest. So you get to see their special day in photos online instead and you coo and you ahh and send heart-filled congrats... and when you start thinking about it in that respect it does seem a little odd. Surely if you were good friends you would just be there in person to do that?!
In recent years I've been learning that with regards to material possessions - less is more. I'm also starting to think about this a lot with regards to friendships. I think I spread myself too thinly. I want to care for everyone, I want to be inviting, give and create great connections but one only has so much time. Facebook helps with this task - it keeps 'friends' up to date with your life and visa versa when you don't actually have the spare time to fill them in in person. Again, doesn't this seem a bit odd? It facilitates this sense of well-being - but actually how real is it?
Don't get me wrong - I think it has positive benefits too (a lot) but I think it can confuse a person as to how good a friend is - the quality of that friend. My mother always says that you can only really count proper good friends on the fingers of one hand. I'm not sure if I totally agree but then sometimes I do wonder when people let you down. I think my problem is I expect too much sometimes because I always think 'do as you would be done by'. Over the years I have learnt the hard way - sometimes you can like and value a person a lot more than they value you and whilst some friends are like stars you can set your compass to - always consistent and ever present - others are transient and breeze in and out of your life like a hot wind from an exotic country. I struggled a lot with those types in the past - I still do - but you learn over time to recognise these qualities and then know to expect less to avoid disappointment. You still class these people as friends but you know not to waste so much energy on them with regards to important matters.
Anyway...I feel I have become to bogged down in the mire of facebook and I need to get away. I want to do an exercise. I want to deactivate my account for a month or so - my excuse being so I can fully focus on my CELTA - but it is also just to know that I can cope without it and to see who actually gets in touch in other ways when they can no longer locate me there online...
But I'm feeling a little apprehensive. I don't like the idea of walking away from the herd, the club. It feels wrong to my social bones...what if I miss something?! What if I discover that no one notices my absence...what if no one calls? And here, people, I present to you my insecurities that stem back from the playground and my preoccupation with feeling accepted and wanted. But this is the point - facebook might be distorting my sense of reality. It may just be providing me with false comfort....and I feel I need to know the truth...
But what are your thoughts on all of this? If you're here and reading, probably with a blog of your own, I imagine you advocate social networking and know and recognise it benefits, but have you considered the negatives and what do you make of all of this? Will there be a big facebook/social networking backlash at some point? Is it already happening? I'd just be interested to know your thoughts and experiences...xxx
10 comments:
Hey lady, sorry to hear FB is leaving you feeling somewhat sour and forgotten by certain friends. For the last two years I've given up Facebook for Lent -- just not gone on it for 40 days-ish, though my account still exists! I had about 210 "friends" before Lent and I shouldn't be surprised if I have about several less after, but the important people in your life will be accessible beyond the realms of "Falsebook". Have a cull if needs be, and step away for a while to regain perspective, but don't let the Book bring you down. Best of luck with CELTA, it sounds great!
Beth xxx
It's a funny old thing isn't it? I have about 180 friends on FB but they are mostly people from school who I'd probably cross the street to avoid! I'd love to delete my account or cull my 'friends' but I'm just too nosey!
My bloggy friends on the other hand are a different matter - I'm genuinely interested in interacting with them, I find them intelligent and interesting and love giving and receiving comments, yet I've never met them.
Hmmm it's an interesting one. I find that I communicate with my real friends via other means (phone/ skype/ text), not facebook - actually,I'm really quite passive when it comes to FB, very rarely put updates etc, I just enjoy nosing around other people's stuff - so for me FB is no great thing really, I'd more than happily live without it. I think I agree with your mum about the good friends things and being able to count them on the fingers of one hand. I have a friend who I know has tons of friends, and I just think it comes down to her not wanted to "let go" of anyone she ever meets. I find that to be some sign of insecurity to be honest, I just can't see how anyone would have enough time to be close to so many people.
I'm not on Facebook or Twitter. Never have been. I can't say never will be cos who knows what the future holds, but I do have this sneaky feeling that it'll only be so long before the next big thing comes along and everyone jumps on that bandwagon instead.
I keep up with my real friends via emails and texts when I can't see them in person. I don't feel like I'm missing out on much at all by not knowing the minutiae of their day to day lives via a website. The important stuff still gets told to you!
I recognise a lot of what you say here- and isn't it a horrible feeling to receive that evening invite, when really the past friendship says you should have expected a full one? :( Makes you feel rubbish- sorry to hear that.
I also feel like you do about FB. I was in need of 'friends', like, true ones, this week and it got me to thinking too. It makes you re-evaluate the whole thing when people aren't so forthcoming in real life, as they are on the networking site. I don't think I could give it up, as I rely so much on it- FB is vital for keeping in touch with family too- swapping those photos and hearing whats been going on more regularly than in phonecalls, but to be honest, I wouldn't hear from most if I wasn't on there.
I think a great deal of my twenties has been coming to terms with the quality of my friendships. Less (friends) is definately more for me. xxx
PS- agreeing with Lucy over bloggy friends- kinda wish people like you lot lived a lot nearer!
Hello,
Sorry to hear about your disappointment over the wedding invite I'd try to look upon it a little more laterally, however. Having just had a wedding last year, I know how flipping expensive even the smallest wedding is. I had very good friends who I did value that I just couldn't invite because of costs. The fact your friend wants you to be part of the event means you really do mean something to them. Honestly, that's how I"d try to think it over. And please don't fall out with your friend over it. Good friends are hard to come by and I do think you being there does mean something to them. As for Facebook and Twitter, I have a big Facebook due to my writing. Some of the people there I actually do know. I find it a great way to keep in touch with lots of people but like anything should be used in moderation. I try to go on only once a day as I'm way too busy for anything more. xx
As of today I have 190 friends on FB and I'm due a cull soon, most of the people on there are there because I'm too nosey to get rid of them.
I know what you mean about expecting too much from people as well. I've followed the same mantra of "Do as you would have done to you" and I think it's misguided at times. You have to take a step back and think "Actually do I really have to do this?" To that end I've just cancelled one of the hen dos that I was supposed to go on in June because I just can't afford it and was getting my knickers in a twist over it - destituting yourself is not friendship!
For me it depends on how you use it - there's a lot of talk about thet fact that Facebook means you don't spend real time with friends and I honestly don't think that's true for me. It's there - I can use it to catch up with people who I may not have done necessarily in a way which doesn't detract from the close friendships I have with other people. I just depends on what you do with it.
Gah! Weddings! My opinion this year is that they are total nightmares and not at all worth the hassle.
Interesting thoughts - I agree with what you say, actions definitely speak louder than words. And for all the incessant babbling of blogs, tweets, facebook updates etc etc, it's those 'real' moments that stand out the most and are enduring. As long as social networking is used to complement your life I think it's an amazing tool - when it starts to become a drag, and get in the way of things it's definitely time to step away and give yourself a break for a bit xxx
Nobody has more than five friends.
Quite interesting thoughts about Facebook. I've backed away from it too--yes, good way to connect, I suppose, but is anything of substance reallly posted? Wouldn't a good face to face, phone call, or even e-mail be more personal? I detest how many people can actually see what you post--guess that's the whole point of it, though. I allowed a 'friend' and now I wish I hadn't. I never was on it much, but have really backed off--one comment in a month's time. I think Facebook has backfired already. Yes, we do have few close friends--I'd say no more than 4-5. Friendship takes time and commitment, and it's not easy to have the time for more people than that. I think bowing out of Facebook might be interesting. At least the people that track you down--at least you know they are people who truly care about you. I'm with Lucy on the blogsphere--people do seem to care and like to stay in touch.
Post a Comment